"She's just discovered her voice"
"Oh. Then, she's gonna be a singer?"
"Well, she's gonna be
something . . . aren't you? Yes, yes you are. . . ."
Recently,
I found myself waiting for a client in the lobby of DCFS. It was after office
hours and the normally crowded and loud waiting area had all but cleared out. A
young women and a baby were sitting next to one side of the floor to ceiling
windows and an older couple, making small talk amongst themselves, was on the
other side. My mind was preoccupied. I felt like I couldn't complete a thought
in my head before three others would shoot up, clamoring for my attention. I
decided to take a couple of breaths and try to clear my head, my heart. At this
moment, the young baby, probably no older than seven or eight months, yelled
out in glee; the high pitch yell that you know surprises them as much as you.
As I looked over at that beautiful baby girl and smiled, I overheard the young
women say, "She's just discovered her voice." The older women, who
had been conversing with her husband, was also looking at the baby and
responded in a light manner, "Oh. Then, she's gonna be a singer?" The
young women smiled and looked down at the child as she replied, "Well,
she's gonna be something . . . aren't you? Yes, yes you are."
I
wasn’t prepared for the reaction I would have. Tears sprang to my eyes and I
thought a hundred things at once, yet this time they all made sense. I felt a
deep joy as well as a deep sadness; joy for the baby and the bright future she
could have and sadness for the many others I see whose lives started out with
the same innocence only to have lost their voices or to have their voice's
silenced. I wanted to say to that
young woman, "Yes, yes she will be something but don't forget that she
already is something. Yes, she just
discovered her voice so please don't ever let her lose it, please. Help her see
that her voice matters that she matters."
They
were then all called back to their different visits and I was left alone in the
lobby. I couldn't get the phrase "discovered her voice" out of my
head. I began to think about my own voice and if I even knew what it was
anymore. Had I allowed my voice to be silenced by life, society, experiences, enemies,
well or not so well intentioned friends or family members, or even my own self?
I knew that I had. I knew that I had lost who I was because I was so busy
trying to make sure everyone else was happy with the person I was becoming. I
never have wanted to hurt anyone, I never have wanted to be a disappointment so
I pleased others based off what I assumed
their expectations were for me. Not to say that with some of those choices and
opinions I didn't also please myself, because I did. I mean, I'm not a complete
push over – just find the level of "complete push over", scale back
down two levels and that's where I'll be. Somewhere in that mess of
assumptions, expectations, and rules I allowed to be placed upon me, my voice
had been brushed aside, quieted, and finally silenced. Shockingly enough, I was
the biggest silencer.
I
then began to think about why that was? I meet with people everyday that seem to
be beaten down by life and who are struggling in ways that I never knew
existed. My heart hurts for them but even more so when I see in them what I've
seen in me: they become their worst critic. Their voice becomes one of anger
and hate towards themselves and those around them and maybe even before they
understand what is happening, misery is the new normal. It was then, in that
moment of too many thoughts, that hopelessness crept in - my old familiar
friend, who always seems to come when I need him least. Being the bully that he is, he
rarely travels alone so along came despair, anger, self-pity, fear, and hate.
Normally, I'm no match for when they all seem to crowd in upon me but somehow
that moment was different.
I
thought about the little baby, I thought about her happiness and the power that
came to her in discovering her voice. I began to get angry, and for the first
time in a long time the anger was for the negative, self-defeating voice in my
head. My true voice, the voice I had allowed to be silenced, the voice who can
often speak for others needed to start to speak back to the negative inside
myself, to find the power again. I heard myself begin to talk back to the hopelessness.
I heard myself tell it to get lost, that it wasn't needed and wasn't true. The
very fact that I allowed this innocent situation to teach me something meant my
voice was coming back and in that there was hope.
So, I challenge you to do the same.
If you know your voice, use it to help another. If your voice has been
silenced, unearth it, become aware of who or what is behind the silencing and crush it. If you don't know your voice, find it, because you have one. Terry
Tempest Williams has said, "Each of us has one. Each voice is distinct and
has something to say. Each voice deserves to be heard. But it requires the act
of listening."
I'm listening . . . .
