me at 19 with a family friend
A few weeks back I was at my parent's home. My mom had been
going through boxes and had found a photo album I hadn't seen in years; in it
was this picture. I hated seeing this picture and could hardly look at it
without feeling angry, sad, and disgusted. Just as we were looking at the albums
my brother and his family showed up. My four-year-old nephew Jacob came
barreling through the door and straight into my arms. "Come on Mia and
play with me but first, … kisses," he said as he kissed me and hugged me
as tight as he could.
At that moment the picture was still in my mind and I wanted
to believe that I was a different person now; that I wouldn't be recognized now
as that person. So, I picked up the picture hoping that if I showed it to Jacob
he wouldn't know who it was.
"Jacob, do you know who this is?" I said pointing
to myself. He was still hugging me tight but turned and glanced down,
"Yeah, that's Tia Mia. Now come play with me." He was out of my arms
and down the stairs in an instant.
I sat there a little taken aback with two conflicting
thoughts and many emotions; the two thoughts being, "Dang it, I hate that
he knew it was me." and second, "Wow, he didn't mention my size at
all, it wasn't a big deal to him."
I've
thought back to this experience many times over the past few weeks. As I look
at this picture I see the worst time of my life. I was nineteen in this picture
and having a complete mental breakdown but also keeping that hidden from most
of my family and friends, I can put on a game face when I have to and it's
pretty solid. I had been sexually abused at the age of eleven and never told
anyone. A week after the abuse happened I had to go to a barbeque with my
parents and my abusers would be there. I remember not wanting to go, fighting
with my mom and hating being there. I also remember that barbeque being the
first time in my life I ate to the point of making myself sick. Part of me
looks at that moment now as me eating to make sure I didn't say anything and
the other part believes I was eating to ease the panic, shame, and pain that
was there for me as I was once again with people who had hurt me.
After
this experience of eating to the point of making myself sick, I began to use
food as the means to ease my hurt and stifle my never-ending panic. Eight years
after those first few months of using food in that way is this picture and one
can see what years of using food as a coping mechanism did to me. During that time
in my life I had quit school for a semester and was living at home – I was
panicking more and more and having angry outbursts I couldn't contain. I was
afraid to go out in public and wanted to spend most of my time sleeping. These
were dark days for me. My secret was killing me. My family still loved and
supported me and tried to help anyway they could but I still couldn't say
anything.
So,
that is what I see when I look at the picture but Jacob just saw his Tia Mia. Jacob
saw me as the person who loves him, hugs him, listens to him, and plays with
him. I've thought often of his reaction and the matter of fact way he said it
was me and how quickly that was forgotten, as he was off to more important
things, off to play and create and live. I have thought often about why I can't
just do that and how can I learn to be more like him. How do I leave behind the
years of pain and damage done by myself and a society that seems to be hyper
focused on weight and appearance?
I
believe growing up society told me that I would have value as a human being
based off of two things: appearance and relationship status. Those two topics
were everywhere then and even more so now. Think about how many messages we get
daily from T.V., music, movies, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, magazines, other
people, and many other sources that discuss someone's appearance or
relationship status. I'm reading a spy novel for heaven's sake and a
psychiatrist in the book is talking about a female doctor that is his friend
and he says, "She was too attractive to be single …" I hear endless songs about relationships
and love and outward beauty. I follow inspirational fitness instagram accounts
with daily sometimes hourly posts about the right way to exercise or what to
eat but more often than not I end up feeling worse about myself because I'm not
dedicating every moment to losing weight and when that happens I go back to
what has always had the ability to comfort me: food.
Now,
I'm not saying it's anyone's fault that I do that that I turn to food for
comfort. What I am hoping to bring up is just to say why does weight and appearance
always have to be a conversation? (I get the irony of that question as I'm
writing this post :) ) When did we stop
finding our worth in love of others and service and the intrinsic belief that
because I am breathing I am worth it? When did we stop having the childlike
ability to not see weight when we look at pictures – skinny or fat, healthy or
unhealthy, toned or un-toned? I want to get back to the days when it didn't
matter - when I, like Jacob, could look at a picture and see my mother or
father, my uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, and even someone famous and see
them as the experiences and time they have offered me and not how big or small
they are.
Doing
that takes time, takes effort and work, and takes owning up to my own
weaknesses and wanting to better them. Comparing myself to, competing with, or
judging another is not something I want to continue to do. I admit it happens
all the time and my judging someone who is "skinny" or
"pretty" based off those qualities is just as bad as others judging
me for being "fat". That reverse judgment is hardly talked about but
just as valid, judging a person based on their appearance is just wrong – whatever
that appearance is. I used to see someone skinny or pretty and, especially if
they were in a relationship, think, "I hate you, why do you have to have
everything. We'd never be friends you are too skinny or pretty to be friends
with." What?!?!?! I was so wrong and allowed my own poor and crushed
self-esteem as well as what I lacked in the form of a relationship to get in
the way of seeing them as a person.
We
are all people on this same journey trying to figure life out. What works for
one doesn't have to work for all; if a person's passion is fitness – awesome,
if a person's passion is makeup – wonderful, if a person's passion is teaching
– fantastic, if a person's passion is Parks and Recreation – you are me, if a
person's passion is reading – you are better than others ;) jk. . . . And, why
can't a person's passion be all of these? I believe it can and a hundred other
things.
I want to live a life where I am
happy for others and myself in the exact moment they and I are living. I also
want to live a life where it's ok and important for me and others to try and be
better than we currently are in any aspect of life: physical, emotional,
mental, spiritual . . It doesn't
have to be one or the other . . . it can be both . . . it should be both.
