Sunday, April 17, 2011

What I needed on a Sunday - - -

(fyi - above picture has nothing to do with post . . . just wanted to show how excited I am to be in that diner again, in Indiana, in three days!:)

- - - - was to remember. I don't often write in my journal, although I have around 20(I love notebooks and journals and compulsively buy new ones when all the old ones only have around 4 or 5 pages written on:), but when I come across things I have written that strengthen me in the here and now I want to dedicate myself to doing it more. I gave a lesson today and shared an analogy that had come to me during an experience last year, luckily I had written it down soon after it happened and sent it to myself as an e-mail; I needed it today and wanted to share it -

My mother visited the other night. It was a welcome surprise. I was watching The Blind Side and had taken a break to get me a Pero. I noticed the fiery red that danced upon the mountain rocks and decided that there must be a brilliant sunset that I did not want to miss. I walked to the porch, opened the door and . . . there was her car. I didnt expect them to visit so I was surprised and not sure I was seeing things right. I didnt see her or my father but the car was on the road. At that same moment a knock came from the side door and it was my mother. She was smiling and had brought me a book that she had bought for me. I let her in; we talked and had a good night. She finished the movie with me and it was great to have someone there.

It was getting late and she needed to leave. I walked her out, in pure Susy Chard fashion, and stood in the driveway as she got in her car. It was a clear night with a cool chill in the air. I stood in the driveway as she drove out of sight. My thoughts turned to all the times she had stood and watched me go. Even from my childhood I could always count on my mom to be in the bay window or on the porch watching us kids leave. She always watched until we were out of sight. I had a prayer in my heart that she would travel safely and thought about the many prayers that had been offered on my behalf that had been offered with the hope and wish that I would return home safe. I then began to think about my relationship with my Heavenly Father. There has always been this distance that I know is on my end. I guess the truth is that, at times, its hard for me to see Heavenly Father as a father and not some distant All Powerful Being. I want to have a close relationship and feel the same kind of love that I do from and for my earthly parents. I thought about that moment when I left his presence to come to this earth. I believe that he came to see me off and watched until I was, figuratively, out of his sight. I want to believe that he might have paused and hoped that I would return to him safely. Of course, in reality, we are never out of his sight and he knows the paths that our lives will take. Even still, I can see him in my minds eye watching me go and with all of his heart wanting me back. He does love me as he loves all of his children. He wants us all to succeed. He has given us the way but it is up to us to follow.

Even as I read over what I have written there is still a corner of my heart that doubts. I doubt me. I doubt that I will be able to succeed and fear enters my heart as I think about the obstacles that I have faced, along with those of the people I know. I know that fear comes from Satan. The power of God has no room for fear his light casteth out all darkness. In my heart I know that is true, spiritually I know it is true but my natural man often takes over and I doubt and fear. How can I overcome? It seems as if I do well for a day, maybe two, but then I falter and fall into the trap of self hatred, anger, fear, confusion and pain. I weary myself and those close to me with always feeling and talking about my same struggles. I want to overcome; I want to live with happiness and peace.

It seems that he is always there giving my little witnesses like this to help me along. The other day I went to the park down by Ogden canyon. It was cold; the wind was blowing and cutting across anything in its path. I sat on a bench looking across the vast field. Two men were there, flying kites. One was younger, maybe my age, while the other was older father, grandfather maybe? The older one was helping the younger to get the kite in the air. He stood with the kite in his hands and would throw it up trying to catch the wind. The kite would hit a current and up it would fly. It spun and danced with quick rapid movements it was fighting the wind. Eventually though, the kite would fall to the earth in defeat. The older man would once again pick it up and throw it into the wind. With guidance and kind words he would encourage the young man to keep it going. The young man would seem bolstered and tried with all his knowledge and energy but somehow, the kite would fall again. This pattern repeated itself a few more times.

After a while, once the kite had been in the air for a while, the older man left his watchful post and walked to another part of the field. He bent down and picked up his own spool. He stood there calmly, making small but determined jerking movements. Far in front of him was his kite. With each of these movements the kite fluttered against the wind, trying to find the perfect channel to set it free into the sky. After a few moments, the kite caught the wind and up if flew. It was wonderful. I could hear the wind batting against the kite almost in a kind of rhythm that indicated that they had danced this way before. I watched all of this in silent awe. My mind soon began to flood with meanings and allegories. I felt like I was being given a private tutoring and that my Heavenly Father was trying to show me something. I thought about how our lives are like the kite. They are unpredictable sometimes we are soaring high and all is perfect, other times we dip low and come close to crashing down. Many times we do crash. But, like the young man, we are fortunate to have someone there to help us pick up the pieces and try again. With help, we are thrown back into the turbulence, but again, things beset us and we come crashing down. We will succeed, however, it is in our nature. Our success comes not from winning but from never giving up.

Through out all the trials and missteps, there will come a time when we will be able to handle life on our own. We will walk to our kite pick up the string and get ourselves in the air, always remembering, however, that we are not truly alone. Our Heavenly Father and our Savior stand there helping us maneuver the difficulties, having taught us the way to get out kite in the air without help. We have been given the tools, in the form of the gospel, that teach us how to survive in the good and the bad times. There were many other things that came to mind as I sat witnessing a quiet moment of kite flying. It was a testimony to me that we can be taught anywhere and at anytime if we are watching and listening. I walked away feeling empowered and loved. Today, I look back to remember that feeling because it has faded and I am alone again. Its a hard struggle, its a daily struggle and all I can say is that I want to try harder; I want to overcome and not give up.


Ariel said...

This was pretty. You're the queen of analogies! However, referring to the first line of the last paragraph... I've at least seen in my life more and more that I will never be able to handle life on my on. I totally understand your meaning, but in reality I don't know that any of us can ever do it on our own, because Satan is always there.

I love that reminder in the temple-- Satan's so persistent and never gives up. He's always right there to confuse you, tempt you, and drag you down. So that's why we always need help-- praying and reading every day, going to church, living worthy of the Spirit... it's all because we really can't do it alone and HF doesn't ask us to or want us to. His Spirit can ALWAYS be with us.

Although this may seem like another Sis. Jensen lecture, it's not:) I just had these thoughts after going to the temple this weekend and thought they were relevant to your post. And now I wish I could give you a hug:) I love your blog and and hearing about your struggles and triumphs and what you learn along the way. Like you said, we can't ever give up and you're not. Thanks for being a great example to me!

Rosie said...

Beautiful. I think you should send it to the Ensign. I'm a fan of yours!!