Memory seeking . . .

     If only it would have rained yesterday, it would have been my perfect kind of day.  It was beautifully overcast and at times the sky threatened to bestow the earth with it's tears but alas, it never came through.  I went to visit my parents in the afternoon.  Someone was mowing out back as I made my way across the front lawn and through the door.  The house was quiet and dark as I made my way through the rooms looking for my mom.  I glanced into my old room and then into my parents, followed by the room that Marcos and Mario can both now claim.  The sheets were off all the beds and I smiled.  It's amazing that little things, like sheets off a bed, have the power to bring back whole years of a person's life.  I was hit with such emotion that I was a child again.  

     There was music blaring in the background of this memory, a collage of memories I guess you could say.  Kenny Loggins was king for many years in the Chard home and so it was that his music rang out to all of Peterson welcoming them to partake of Kenny "in the Redwoods".  I could hear my mother calling from the laundry room for all of us kids to bring down our sheets and open the windows in our rooms so that we could air out the house.  A young Mario and Marcos walk pass my room with their arms filled to above their heads with Ninja Turtle sheets for Marcos and demure, proper solid maroon for Mario.  They are laughing at some secret joke they always seemed to be sharing.  The door with the red bell slams shut as Gabby enters and it shakes the whole house.  He's singing along to Kenny and I can hear him go downstairs.  The same bell signals three more times that someone was on the move.  Poor door.  Someone was always slamming it shut.  

     The memory then fades away slowly, like the dust that can be seen falling to the ground in just the right sunlight, and it's darker again as I stand at the top of the stairs.  I slowly descend and my heart is left aching and longing for childhood.  The house is quieter now.  The red bell on the door welcomes or says goodbye less often.  I happen to believe that in the exact moment that I was longing for childhood,  it was longing right along with me.  Memories can often become tricky chameleons who change to fit the scenery of my mood but yesterday they allowed me to glance back in my past and realize how good I did have it.  

     It was nice to visit with my parents and to realize that while life changes for all of us, there is something about a small log cabin in Peterson that will always be mine.  I stopped at Hinds on my way out and was forced to face another loss of childhood - their ice cream machine has made it's last cone.  I can't even conceive of a world with no Hinds ice cream. May, the usual month in which it made it's grand entrance, could never come soon enough as September's arrival, the dreaded month which dimmed the lights on the coveted ice cream, was always seen as too soon.  It  now seems like the five month window I once had into my childhood has been replaced with a zero month window.  Like the poet Karon Yan once said, 

"Childhood is rare

  Unlike a bear

  Childhood is fun

  Unlike eating a bun . . ."

Ahh, yes, I couldn't have said it better myself.  Brilliant, no?

From this . . .

To . . . . that . . .

Education

Last week was overwhelming.  I have never taken six college classes at the same time and getting them all straight is taking some getting used to.  I don't even feel like I had a break from summer semester and here we are already into fall.  Being the first week, the conversation turned to majors and careers.  Yes, I am a English major but no, I don't know what I want to do.  Sometimes I feel as if college is more about careers than an education.  I was talking to one of my professors today and I asked him about his schooling and where he received his degrees and he told me but followed it up with, "but, that's not where I got my education."  It was interesting to hear from someone teaching at a University but at the same time I knew that what he was saying was true.  It was something that I needed to hear.  I am a lover of books and I am grateful to say that I have been educated by what the written world has offered and by the life experiences that I have gone through.  I am glad that I was reminded of that today because why I may not know just what it is I am meant to do with my life, I do know that I chose my education.  That being said, a career isn't everything but I'm not naive enough to think it means nothing.  What do I do?    

Thinking about . . .

" . . . but what it takes to cross the great divide,

 seems more than all the courage I can muster up inside - 

but we get to have some answers when we reach the other side 

The prize is always worth the rocky ride.

but the wood is tired and the wood is old . . ."

Por Fin!!!!!!

Done.  For the Summer.  Now, a week and a half to recover.

Today I turn 27 . . .

Today is my birthday. We decided to take family photos since everyone is in town for this short moment. It was a great day with a lot of laughs and craziness. Gabby actually took a picture of me that I liked, so I had to show it off. In true Argentine fashion, it's 9:00pm and dinner is just getting on the table - I must be on my way . . .

To Wendy . . .

Wether it's your amazing bowling skills . . .

Or your lethal tackling abilities . . . . .

I am more than happy to have you as a sister!  Happy Birthday, friend!  I am so grateful to have you in my life and wish you all the best!

In harmony.

The other day I was driving home from work and witnessed a peculiar event.  I was stopped at an intersection and happened to be watching the man who was trying to make a left hand turn.  He was patiently waiting for his turn, so patiently in fact, that his lips soon fell upon the cool metal of his one of a kind harmonica.  I was taken aback.  Waiting to make a left hand turn had never struck me as the perfect time to get “blues-y” and jam with your harmonica, but hey – when the mood hits, it hits.

            It actually was something that made me smile.  I, and the countless others who might have been watching could have thought that it was odd but this gentleman was content.  He was in harmony with his life and who he was that it didn’t matter what anyone else thought, he was going to play his music.  I admired that and maybe more than I want to admit it – I envied that.  I don’t believe that there has ever been a time where I didn’t worry or wonder what others thought of me.  I have even, at times, taken it to the extreme and placed all my worth on what everyone, including random strangers I pass on the street, might think of me.  It led me to the conclusion that there is so much out of harmony in my life, in my mind.  I have struggled the last year to try and discover where my place is and how to be comfortable being me and honestly I have been failing.  I guess that is why when I see individuals who are who they are, regardless of anything else, I find hope that with time and work I too can achieve that sense of self.  And hey, maybe it starts with me learning how to play the harmonica – any world-class teachers out there? 

The land of tumbleweeds and Horchata . . .

(I still can't believe I let Guynn talk me into taking these pictures - yes, friends, I said pictures - this in only one in a series)

     I am off to that great land of tumbleweeds and Horchata that I like to call . . .EL PASO!  I will be gone a week - wish me luck!

Sub of the . . .

     So . . . . awkward moment yet again.  All I could think was, "Seriously?".  Gabby and I met for lunch today and Subway seemed to be calling his name so there we went.  If there is one thing that I hate, it's the smell of Subway and the way it sinks it's way into every fiber of your being.  Don't get me wrong, I like the sandwiches but wow - I hate that smell.  I guess it runs in the family because Marcos won't even step foot in a Subway - he is a tad neurotic.  Anyway, Gabby and I were in line and talking about something and suddenly it was my turn.  Me being the cheapo that I am recently, looked at the Sub-of-the-day list and went for the 'ol Turkey and Ham and told the nice lady, "The Sub of the Day, please".  I went back to talking to Gabby and then after it was his turn I looked down and wondered where they had taken my sandwich because it wasn't there.  I was getting all high and mighty thinking how annoyed I was because I had told her I didn't want it toasted, and obviously that would be the only place it would be.  So, the wonderfully blank faced man that was to put on the veggies grabbed this gross looking meatball sub (that I had assumed the whole time belonged to the lady in front of me:) and said," You had the meatball?" - - - - well, um -no.  I then became all arrogant me and said, "Umm, no - I had the Sub-of-the-day!"  Well, seriously, all I got from him was a crazy blank stare as the girl cutting the bread said, "Yeah - the SUB-of-the-day is the meatball" - and as she said that Gabby scanned the list and sure enough I had thought I was ordering Mondays - -oopsie. Hahahaha,  we started to laugh but the creepy veggie man kept his blank stare the whole time, not saying a word as the girl asked if I wanted it changed but being as it was my mistake I couldn't take her up on it.  It was such an awkward moment and one that will never happen again because - - -meatball sub=gross.  I will never again play the martyr and take the sandwich - I will always trade.  I guess that is what awkwardness taught me today - take the offer, just take the offer whatever it is.

24 on the 24th!!!!!!!!!!!

     Once in a life time folks - once in a lifetime!  Mario turns 24 on the 24th!  How cool is that?!  The only time that happened for me I was 9 on the 9th and didn't get the bigness of it all but I hope that Mario does and I hope he has the greatest day!  I love you Mario!!!  Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!

5 down, 95 to go!!

Happy Birthday Samu!!!  I can't believe that you are 5 years old already.  A short five years ago my life changed forever the day that you were born.  You will never know how much joy is in my life because you are here - you are such an amazing inquisitive boy who never ceases to amaze me with your wonderful sense of humor!  I love you dear Samuel and want you to know it - - - -HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Longing.

I long for motherhood.  I think from even before my first memories I longed to be a mother. 

I have thought a lot recently about longing and hope and disappointment.  Part of this human struggle we call life, is facing the contradictions that seep into out hearts as joys and pains.  We all have these contradictions in some form or another – no one is exempt and we can’t get out of living without them.  I pass hundreds of people daily but somehow I forget that their pains and sorrows are as real as mine.  Why is that?  I don’t have all the answers, but I do believe it goes beyond our own selfishness into something deeper, maybe something that takes time to fully understand and grasp.  I know that I’m not there yet.

While I might not fully grasp the sorrows that are embedded deep into the heart of those that pass me by I do know about one sorrow that has been mine – longing.  Motherhood, to me, is sacred.  I have a profound love for the little ones that call me Aunt or Tia – Samuel, Mason and Ethan.  They are bright lights in a world of darkness and bring hope to the hopeless, as all children do.  But I am not their mother – they have those valiant women they are lucky enough to call mother who I know they will praise forever and for that I am grateful.  I am grateful to witness the love that Marcela and Wendy show for such choice spirits and I only hope that if I am granted the chance to be a mother I would follow in their loving footsteps.

There are many loving individuals that would say that I don’t have to have children to be a mother but I believe that they are wrong.  Words like that are often said to comfort and tell people that while they might not have had the chance to experience giving birth or adopting a child they have indeed impacted the lives of the children that they know.  Those are kind words that are often true and I would gladly accept them in reference to my being a good Aunt, cousin, friend or teacher, but in my humble opinion we only have one Mother.  My mother means more to me than there are words to express and with all the hope that I have, I want one day to be for someone what she has been for me.  In that wish is the hope that one day I will hear a child’s voice call out for mother and know that they are talking to me . . .    

I love this kid!

Sorry that I couldn't rotate it.  It's still so great!!

My Muse is cool . . .

     The pressure is on folks and I think my comedic skills are rapidly coming to a close, so hopefully this will be the blaze of fiery glory that will carry me through those dark and lonely nights of witless commentary on the mundane nuances of my "so-called" life.

     This little tale of the everyday starts like any other that ends up in this world of blog, with a little seemingly insignificant moment that blossoms into something grand which just begs to be told to the masses that anxiously check daily (some even hourly, some minutely) for updates from yours truly; that moment was . . . . the tragic day my macbook died.  Ok, well, I guess die is a tad bit over dramatic because in reality it only started to chip from the little bars that come down and rest on the computer when it closes, and it still ran perfectly well.  All the same, I was still stirred up to feeling a righteous indignation at the thought of Steve Jobs and the Apple corporation trying to stick it to me by sending me a "bad" computer that my fast fingers dialed and the "next customer service representative" was going to hear it from me!  By the time I actually talked to the next CSR, all of my ranting and raving had been thought about and processed into the totally irrational reaction category and lucky for Ace(my CSR) and I, we were able to proceed into a normal and productive conversation.  The result of that conversation was that I was going to have to go to the Apple store in SLC, so we made an appointment and I was all set.

     The person I now know as my Muse - Susana Chard, was able to come with me and we shared a monumental first trip to a future society - The Apple store.  I think of her now as not just mom but Muse, because wherever she goes, hilarious and random events are sure to go with her.  We approached the worlds future society with caution as all lights were low and supposedly they weren't open yet.  Just as we about reached the door to try our luck, a sophisticated looking middle aged women with a computer bag surpassed us at top speed heading right for the door with just enough time for my mom to ask, "um, do you believe they are open yet?" as she snootily replied, "I don't know but I have an A-ppointment", and rushed in - sadly, before she heard me reply that WE had an A-ppointment too!  Little did we know that as we followed her in we were in for a technology filled world just beyond our grasp.  As we entered, we could dimly see at the far end of the pristine room a half moon like table filled with young men in blue shirts that sat "every- other" next to more of the same middle aged women who seemed to be receiving instructions on how to run a computer(knowing what I know now they were probably recieveing instructions on how the move to their new space station home was going to go down).  The farther we moved in, the farther away from a stable reality I felt, as everyone(more blue shirted employee people as well) around me seemed glued to their i-phones as their means of communication - no eye contact, no lip moving known as talking.  We seemed to be out of luck since neither of us own that particular communication device, so that just left us standing next to the "Genius Bar" wondering if we would meet their Genius standards to be helped or if we would have to combine IQ's and maybe then we would be approached.  We finally were approached by a man in an orange shirt that seemed to be controlling the blue shirted individuals and my cracked computer days were numbered as his getting involved moved our genius status to next in line.  They offered to repair it all at no charge to me within 3-5 days and as I left my macbook in their care I couldn't help but fear what I would get back.  As we left and our eyes and minds began to once again adjust to the earth world, my mom couldn't help but point out that the Apple store felt like a place where they "wash brains" (I told her it was "brainwash" and she said "wash brain, brainwash - same thing!).  Haha - she came up with a few more hilarious quips about our experience and then told me she missed her calling as a comedian and said, "move over SENfeld!" - I told her it was SEINfeld and she once again said, "I know, that's what I said - SENfeld" - haha, it was great.

We then spent the rest of the morning trying cool Salt Lake City things like going to Starbucks (don't worry folks, we got a steamer-just hot milk) and Whole Foods. That is something for us country folks or as my mom calls us - "country pumpkins" even though I told her it was "country bumkins" - she just argued there was no such thing as a bumkin so the saying has to be pumpkins.

in all her glory:)

Ahh, well, if you made it this far through this monstrously long post I congratulate you and hopefully the new SENfeld and I will see you soon on her 30 city comedic tour - starting June 12th . . . . .